Half of my Heart


In the past, whenever I’d hear John Mayer’s Half of my Heart, it would always remind of bittersweet moments with almost-lovers. It was obviously the song’s intention, given that John Mayer was known for being commitment-phobic—just playing around and toying with hearts without a mutually-pleasing motive.

Today though, while listening to the song during my unexpected alone time in the office (Asia turned EMEA), the song struck me differently. Part of the song made me look at my relationship with God. It was humbling to realize how I’ve been failing in loving Him completely.

Half of my Heart – John Mayer

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

I remember almost-literally “making a home out of everywhere I’ve been”. I’d be focused on having fun, enjoying the company of friends, and living the life! Every once in a while, God would knock in my heart and remind me of His love. I’d  ask for forgiveness, be “spiritual” for one or two days, then go back to my old ways. I’ve always “known” about but it seemed like I didn’t fully understand and experience yet what this love really was about.

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart

It really had to take some time. I’d think that I was in control but every now and then, I’d give up and just tell God that it was just how it probably should be. It was hard for me to surrender. Giving even just half of my heart was that much of a chore/burden for me that I’d decide not to give anything at all.

I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

I’ve always focused on myself—making plans for my own success, and even pursuing relationships that pleased me. Things slowly fell apart though, and I found myself broken and alone (well, at least from my perspective). And God really is great. When we see our own emptiness, He reaches out even more. His strength really is made perfect when we are weak, and His love & grace abounds. Knowing God in a different way showed me how He really wants me to live my life.

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

I still stumble and fall but right now, the realization is that I can’t love God half-baked. I can’t keep on turning my back on Him whenever I don’t feel like obeying and trusting. I have to commit to my relationship with God! He wants ALL of me!

Lesson of the day: Just like how I don’t want other people giving only half of their heart to me, and not following through, God doesn’t want half-hearted love too. I can imagine what God probably wants to say through the words of Taylor Swift:

Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I’ll shine for you

Whoa, I’m feeling you baby
Don’t be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me 

Baby, I’m never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
‘Cause I’m gonna stay through it all, so jump then fall

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