Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss.
If I’d be getting a yearbook award, people would probably say that I’m the “Most Likely To Succeed”. Modesty aside, I’ve always been tagged to be the overachiever–in terms of academics and probably any other aspect in life. This has led me to become bossy and annoying, of course, but I would always pass it off as just being me. Quite amusingly, I’d usually do a good job when I’m tasked to do something, even if I don’t exert any effort. I call it as an experience of “drowning in grace”. During my high school and college years, I could say that I had a very parasitic relationship with God. Only by His grace was I able to survive.
Back to my main point, I wasn’t really an intentional go-getter. I didn’t have this ultimate dream to become some company’s CEO, though I see that to be feasible. No one even pressured me into excelling–well, except for that moment when my dad was disappointed that I finished 17th in class during my first quarter in high school. Thinking about it, it was reasonable to be disappointed. I finished on top of my class in grade school and did nothing but slack off and hang out with friends when I got to high school. Other than that, there has been no other source of pressure in my life other than the deadliest person I know–myself. I seem to have this inner self-actualization-meter that dies whenever it’s empty. I love being busy and feeling “used up”.
Well, that was until a few months ago when I thought that I all I wanted in life was to be a housewife. I was all for being a soccer mom, having barbecue parties with my amigas, and buying groceries. Again, that was until a few weeks ago when I realized that at the moment, I still wouldn’t be able to stand the thought of having to report my every move to someone. Neither will I be able able to survive having to be at home to wait for my husband and serve him dinner when I am itching to go have dinner with some friends. I am praying to be molded to be a good wife so I am not losing hope on those items yet. Hahaha!
I’ve never taken it seriously in the past but my recent realizations have made apparent something that I didn’t use to consider: full-time ministry. Since April 2012, when I felt that I had a calling, my heart has slowly but surely found its joy in doing work for His kingdom. Right now, I can say that I have a heart for two main things:
- Young adults/singles ministry. I started handling a group of 18 to 22 year-olds as my care circle, initiated a bible study for yuppies in the office, and got to attend a young adults ministry in a church in Makati. These experiences, along with my personal hurdles from college up to now, have drawn me close to the cause of helping young adults to live Christ-centered lives. I can’t put it into words but I’m just aching to talk to young people who have had issues regarding their studies, peer pressure, work, intimacy, and vices. My prayer is that God can prepare me to be someone these people can open up their lives to.
- Operational ministries. My current goal, if God allows it so, is to land a job in our church to lead operations involving volunteers, creatives, promotions, training, and recognition. The first reason why I want to do this is because I know that this is what I’m good at. I’ve been struggling to find something I’m a master of (jack of all trades here), basically because I cannot find an actual job in the corporate world to define what I do best. I’m good with convincing people. I’m good with follow through. I’m good with documentations. I’m good with design. I’m good with basic marketing. I’m good with learning and development (hahaha). I’m good with praising and appraising people. And the best thing about this is that I can do it for the Lord! So, to my dear church, please hire me! :p
It would probably be so awesome if I can just decide to leave my job now and go into full-time ministry. My main dilemma now is deciding to be practical and face my fears OR to follow my heart and do something that will make me happy. To be honest, I’m facing a challenge right now regarding work and it’s just spoiling my everyday life. I’ve always been told that we should go for “challenging” opportunities but I’m still pondering if I am willing to be sad and stressed everyday just to tell the world that I’m doing something challenging, or if I can choose to do what I love doing and be happy everyday–well, at least happier than how I am feeling now.
Is life about doing great things or doing things greatly?
Is life about doing more than what we can do or doing what we can do more?
My everyday prayer is to hear God audibly tell me what I need to do in life. I am stuck in a rut right now and each day in the office is just becoming less and less exciting. In fact, it has gotten to the point where I feel numb whenever I face my laptop. When I get lazy and uninspired with actual work, I go do ministry-related tasks instead.
I need to have VERY quiet time soon. May God help me know what I need to leave and sacrifice for Him.