Today, I randomly decided to browse through my old blog posts hidden somewhere in the interwebz. Yes, I decided to make my payaso blog private a.k.a. for my eyes only when I bid my jologs and emo self goodbye three years ago. Okay, maybe I’m not over the jologs part yet but you get the point.
Looking at old posts and photos generally makes me sad but today was very different. I felt…amused, for the lack of a better term. I saw my posts about my college crush, who I think never found out that I had a crush on him for 3 years. The tiny details mentioned in my posts brought back a lot of the vivid memories I had about said crush. I still theoretically hit myself in the head when I realize my major what-if, though the facts involved are yet to be proven. Hahaha!
Anyway, it’s always nice to remember how I was able to get over that. In fairness, sobrang iniiyakan ko talaga ‘yun dati, ‘no! This is a good reminder that whatever heart trouble I’m facing now will just be a distant memory when the next (and hopefully right) guy comes along.
In addition to that, I stumbled upon this interesting discussion I had with a guy friend:
Me: Malalabo kase mga lalake.
A guy: ‘Di ah. Mas malalabo mga babae
Me: Hindi kaya. Ang girls, if we like someone, we just show it.
A guy: Not always. Or, if you do show it, you show in ways only other girls will understand. Iba naman mag-isip mga lalaki eh.
Me: So not true. Guys should just notice more.
A guy: We do notice stuff. It’s just that, we’re not always sure if there’s any meaning to the stuff we notice. Might be that we’re only giving importance to things that never really meant anything at all. ‘Di naman namin kayang basahin mga utak niyo eh.
Me: ‘Yun din kaya iniisip ng girls. Baka wala lang meaning yung mga bagay-bagay.
A guy: ‘Yun nga. Eh, ganun naman magisip ang lahat eh. Laging takot, kaya wala rin namang nararating. Naghihintayan lamang.
Me: Boo. So, dapat bang hayaan na lamang na ganun ang mangyari?
A guy: Hindi nga. ‘Yun nga yung point. Hindi dapat na hayaan na lang ng basta-basta, ‘di ba?
Me: ‘Yun nga eh. Eh kung walang gagalaw sa kanilang dalawa. Wala na.
A guy: Eh yung guy, kung gusto niya isang babae, malamang gusto niyang may gawin siya. Ang problema lang hindi niya naman lagi alam and dapat niyang gawin o baka may plano nga [lang] siya, pero di niya matupad dahil sa mga kung anu-anong bagay or whatever.
Me: Boo. Kawawa naman yung girls.
A guy: Eh, ano naman ginagawa ng mga babae? Madalas iniisip nila na ok na na medyo pinapakita nila na may gusto rin sila. Ang problema lang eh hindi naman laging maiintindihan yun ng mga lalaki.
Me: Madali lang magbigay ng hints mga babae sa ganun eh.
A guy: You may think that the hints you give are obvious but usually they’re not. Parang sa isang riddle, kung alam mo na yung sagot e di malamang para sayo sobrang obvious na ng mga hint. Pero kung di mo naman talaga alam, maguguluhan ka lang. Baka di mo makita o baka iba pagkaintindi mo o kung anu man.
Hahahaha. I was truly very boy-crazy back then. Yey to me for having no crush whatsoever now! Yet, I thank God for giving me awesome guy friends a.k.a. bros–I have Migoy, the block boys, my CC boys, Kuya Albert, Kuya Nel, and the men of C&G! More than enough! And yey to me for not (or at least trying to avoid) initiating anything kilig for the sake of being kilig with these guys. I admit that I tried to once or twice (or thrice or four times) but I have learned my lesson now. I should love you as brothers. Yey!
And, kainis. I used to write really well in Filipino. I’m not witty anymore *sadface*.
Oh, and I saw this on Plurk while I was on a nostalgia trip last week thanks to my very kind sister who apparently used to think that I wouldn’t ever get married. Kaloka.
Good news: I’m not yet getting married. Better news: I’m learning to wait. Of course, I still get lonely sometimes and I drift into this dreamland where I get married to Chris Carrabba or Pete Yurkowski (who will grow out his facial hair for me hahahaha). Alas, I have come to understand that if my heart is already satisfied with God, the absence of kilig in my life for the past 3 months won’t be that big of a deal.
Part of the ‘pain’ of these past few months was having to ‘lose’ one of my best friends. I’m trying to get over it but it still saddens me, of course. This person has literally seen me grow from my nene days to my pa-fashown phase. This person has been the constant in my life from 2006 when we first met. Despite the relationship he got into, my JTA trip, his shifting out, and other things that happened in life, we remained friends. We didn’t talk everyday but we just knew that we were there for each other. I miss knowing that he’s just there whenever I have something mundane that I want to share, and I miss how he used to call me for random purposes (e.g. sharing about his cougar encounters). Well, as he told me on October 27, 2006 at 12:50 am when I was consulting about college crush:
Kung iintindihin natin ang lahat ng bagay na hindi natin hawak, never tayo magiging masaya.
So today, I choose to be happy for you. I am very glad with what we have shared. I think I’m actually more attached to the first half of our friendship when things were a lot simpler :) Nonetheless, I have no regrets that the second half happened. I learned a lot from that and a lot from you. I decided in the past that in order to move on with life, I would have to hate you. Today though, I am glad to have realized that I need not to. This trip down the memory lane reminded me of the good stuff that we shared. And I am very thankful for that (naks, sakto sa Thanksgiving)!
So, to my dearest friend, I now officially say that I am happy for you. I do not hope for you merely what will make you happy but more so, I hope that you can reconcile with God and find His will in your life.
And to my college crush, sana one day mapag-usapan natin ang konseptong naging crush kita tapos hindi tayo maging awkward.
Thnks fr th mmrs.