Needing


This blog post has been on draft for about a week already. Well, I only had one sentence in the post while it was on draft but, thanks to today’s daily prompt, I am publishing this :)

*****

I’m generally not a needy person (or so I think).

Even when I was back in school, I could commute alone for all I care. I remember specific moments though when I’d already be running late for my morning classes. As I’d realize that I need to be brought to school using our own vehicle (jeepneys stop all the time & even go on gas station breaks just exactly when I need them not to), I’d go parading myself in front of our house, screaming to the world that I’m already running late, panicking to the fullest. I’d do that to somehow get my family to notice that I need some help to get to Ateneo in 10 minutes. I’d eventually get annoying and my mother would just drive me to school to make me shut up. The whole ordeal will end with my mother (1) scolding me for being annoying, and (2) telling me that I could have just kindly asked her to take me to school and she would have obliged.

I guess I do have a problem regarding telling people that I need them. I grew up being a superwoman after all. Nobody asked me to be that way but I guess the circumstances just called for it. I wasn’t really among the typically attractive ones when I was a kid, and I somewhat felt that I had to make up for it by excelling everywhere else. Before my dad died during my first year in high school, he gave me a talk about how he was disappointed about my academic performance since he knew I could do better. After that, part of me promised to “be the best I can be” which probably is partly to blame for my tough and go-getting facade.

Even in relationships with people (friendships and special friendships alike), I’d usually be passive aggressive with my needs. I remember one time when I had fever and was in our college org room. I didn’t want to ask anyone to help bring me to the clinic but I was tossing and turning on the bean bag, complaining that I was having chills. A friend of mine pointed out that I probably just wanted people to take pity on me. I pondered about it and realized that it might be partly true. I, for one, am afraid of rejection. I’d rather suffer with my situation than ask someone to help me and risk being turned down for my request. And, that usually is the case whenever I’d be quiet. When I shut up or start saying 3-word sentences, it is indicative that I am giving you time to grasp that I need something.

The main thing that sucks about not expressing my need is being disappointed. Much like how (500) Days of Summer brilliantly depicted the disparity between expectations and reality, you’d usually find me in utmost dismay whenever what I wanted to happen wouldn’t happen. Most people in hindsight would tell me that they just didn’t know that it was what I wanted. And, much like my mother, they’d tell me that they would have probably obliged if I asked.

I guess I have trust issues, then. I admit that one of my biggest flaws is remembering the worst in people and in relationships. To add to that, I’m scared of hearing someone say “no” to me. Insecurity stuff. (Man, I do have a lot of issues.) Yet, after all this, I still believe that it is possible for someone to just get mefor someone to understand that I do want to get flowers for Valentine’s, though I declare that I hate them, and for someone to understand that I don’t like that girl who’s been hanging around him, though I push and shoo him away to get them together.

I guess I’m still hoping that someday, someone will finally be able to know me enough to understand what I need–even without requiring words. ‘Cause really, I’m not good with them.

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