This has been my favorite song ever since I was in high school.
You’ll probably think that it’s quite odd for someone in high school to have this song as an anthem yet, I shall remind you that I entered HS at 11 years old, lost my dad while I was in first year, and graduated at 15 years old. I was the block baby, entering college at 15 years old and graduating at 19. I started working for a big company 3 months after graduation, and started taking on a project management role at a young age of 21.
Quite literally, I can say that I am a child. I even cringe sometimes when my sister tells me that I’m of the same age as her blockmates (she’s in 3rd year college). I think it’s mainly because I’ve forgotten how it is like to be a child. If you’ve hung out with me for the past year, you’d find me reminiscing about the “good ol’ days“. I miss the few years when things were “simpler” for me. I don’t have a lot of memories from my childhood but those small instances that I remember are pretty awesome.
I’ve told my former manager about how I feel like I have the Kobe syndrome. I’m not sure where I’ve heard it from but (as per the source) Kobe had a time in his life where he’d score more than 40-50 points consecutively for his games. Of course, that is an AWESOME feat and Kobe is treated with utmost regard because of the achievement. After that though, when he started scoring just 30-40 points a game, people got disappointed. The problem that I see here is that it’s still 30 POINTS. That’s still a huge stretch. Yet, due to high expectations from people around him, that wasn’t good enough.
I’m not saying that I’m as awesome as Kobe. I probably am not. All I’m saying is that I have a feeling that people have set such high expectations of me to the point that each mistake feels more painful than how it should be. I’ve been trying my best to perform at par with others who are older, way more experienced, and a lot more interested in IT than me, but I already feel like a tired warrior.
Some of you might probably think that I’m just one pa-entitled person. I sometimes try to ponder as well if that is the case. Yet I dismiss that easily when I am reminded about my numerous responsibilities (some of the biggest ones, I am not passionate about), my recent life-shattering heartbreak, and how easy I absorb burdens from other people and from causes that I support (a.k.a. church matters). I’ve been told by Ptr Keith when he was praying for us that I need to let go of burdens that I need not carry. I’ve slowly been trying to detach myself from most things like work, people and frustrations but it’s really been difficult. I feel like I’m in a long and arduous fight where nobody wins.
I guess what makes things difficult additionally is that I don’t really talk about my struggles with people. I have found that most, if not all, are not that interested in what’s going on with my life. No drama there. It’s just been a constant observation as most stop paying attention when it’s time for me to share. Hehe :)
Add to this my personal self-pet-peeve: my being a people pleaser. I say that I don’t worry about it but I actually am quite bothered about what people would think of me if I make certain decisions in life. Don’t get me wrong. I trust that God is in control. Yet, I just find myself scared that what I think God’s will for me is not actually His will but mine alone.
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
I think I need a break to drop my sword and cry to the Lord for just a while.
Okay, so as I type this and as I google about other people who feel the same way, I am reminded that I need not fear failure. Warriors fail. Blood is shed. Wounds hurt. Just leave the battle, rest, and fight the next one. Or, better yet, let the Lord fight it for you. Or, maybe it’s time to grow up. Ack.